The Toilet Cubicle Talk
by shi-chan
Summary: Light wonders how he'd be able to maintain hygiene while being chained to L. No really, he's wondering really hard.
1. Chapter 1

My first Deathnote fic. Uh, it's crack, IMO.

Anyway, I don't own it.

**The Toilet Cubicle Talk**

To say that he was pissed would be a big understatement. Although Light tried to keep his mind occupied by trying to figure out the way Kira killed his victim and or trying to think up why _the bastard_ kept thinking that he was Kira, it did little to tone down his annoyance and or temper. It was a miracle that Light managed to maintain his cool even if the _'bastard_' was just sitting there, in his little chair, all huddled up and drinking his hot cocoa. It was so annoying to watch _the bastard_ hold things like it were so disgusting or contaminated with Anthrax. Light believed that for someone as smart as _the bastard_, said _bastard_ should at least show some proper etiquette. Holding a tea cup or a plate or paper or anything that actually requires the functions of the human fingers, should at least show some sort of politeness; especially if it was given to you. Really, Light felt like the only thing that was missing was the gloves; rubber gloves at that.

Which was why, at the moment, it took of Light's control to not jerk his cuffed wrist that was 'chained' on to _the bastard_, just because he was doing that finger thing again. Honestly, it annoyed Light to no end and they've only been cuffed together for seven hours. If _the bastard_ wanted his dashing and intelligent company twenty-four-seven, all he had to was ask. Then again _the bastard_ still suspected he was Kira, hence the 'chained together' gig. Light still felt that _the bastard _just wanted his intelligent company. No, really.

Another pet peeve was the name he was going by. _Ryuuzaki_ happened to be one of Sayu's favorite singers. When Light heard that he'd be addressing _the bastard _Ryuuzaki, he wanted to shove his foot down the said _bastard's_ throat. What did _the bastard_ think he is, cute? Well, Light long ago learned never to put _the bastard_ and cute in the same line of thought. It was hazardous.

Then there was the sugar. It was always sugar. At some point, it was chocolate cake, then there was ice cream, banana split, pies, and the sugar cubes. Light felt pity for them. Just how many kilograms of sugar did Watari have to order just to keep up with _the_ _bastard's _sweet tooth? It was probably enough to wipe out the year's stock of the country's sugar crops. And what pissed Light so much was that no matter how much dessert _the bastard _consumed, he still remained in his skinny frame and packed one hell of a kick too.

_The bastard!_

Light tugged at the cuffs and stood up. L looked up from his over sweetened hot cocoa (Light counted the sugar cubes. There were nine of them in that small cup) to glance at Light.

"Something the matter?" L asked, quiet and almost meek. Light really wanted to shove his foot down L's throat.

"Bathroom." Light grumbled and started walking across the center table of the lounge they were in with laptops screens illuminating displaying statistics on the deaths done by Kira. It was a very comfortable lounge. Light, personally, wanted to steal the couch and hide it in his room. It looked – and felt – very expensive, hence it was great comfort. It was better than his own bed at home.

L, as usual, followed. If it weren't for the damn cuffs, Light would have dragged the idiot with the chain liked a dog on a leash. Light bit back a sigh and continued down the hall to the men's lavatory. He wondered how he was going to sleep with this whole chained-together fiasco. Light suddenly blinked as he pushed the swinging lavatory door open as it hit him; how was he going to take a shower? Better yet, how the hell was he going to excrete? Light made a face as he made his way to an empty and clean cubicle then just stopped. There was just _no_ way he was going to get rid of his human wastes with L like, what, standing three feet away from him? What if – and heaven's forbid – he gets constipation? The sheer amount of effort he'd have to give just to empty his guts is going to be embarrassing.

Then it hit Light again. What if L wanted to excrete? The face Light made was so bad that L was looking at him curiously.

_There is absolutely no fucking way I'm going to be in the same friggin bathroom watching L shit! And with the amount of sweets he consumes in a day, just how many times will he need a toilet break? _Light felt a shiver slither down his spine. _Oh god and the smell!_

Light swallowed and started unzipping his pants in order to proceed with the process of emptying his bladder. He actually wanted to use the bathroom an hour ago but just held back with sheer will power because he didn't really like having a chained person beside him while he peed. Just as Light was about to empty his bladder, he felt eyes on him. Well not really on him, but more on the organ he was holding.

Light scowled and looked at L. "What?"

L looked up at Light. "Light-kun is a very healthy young man."

Light gritted his teeth. He happened to be wearing a pair of nice Nike Airs – the one with the thick soles. The desire to shove his shoe up L's ass was so great that Light momentarily stopped the continuous stream of human compounds that he was releasing.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Light hissed. L merely pointed at Light's untucked-paused-in-midpee penis and blinked twice. "Are you staring at my dick?"

L blinked again. Those big wide dark eyes made Light think of lost rabbits. "I was merely stating that Light-kun is healthy."

"Fine." Light gritted out. The feeling of wanting to empty his ready-to-explode bladder suddenly left him. Light was pissed. "You know what, now that we're on the topic of anatomies, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Light-kun. Go ahead." L blinked again and started chewing on his thumb nail. Light hated people chewing their nails.

"With this thing," Light shook his cuffed wrist a bit. "How does one maintain personal hygiene?"

L continued chewing on his thumb nail, and hunched a bit more. "Simple. From now on, both of us will share a room that has a bathroom with a sliding door. Light-kun need not worry about maintaining cleanliness."

"Does that mean that the toilet seats are also within sliding doors?" Light asked. He even _almost_ sounded hopeful.

"The toilet seats are like any other toilet seats in a bathroom, Light-kun." L replied, as if the question was something one asked on a normal basis.

Another thing Light hated about L was the fact that he spoke of anything and everything as if it were nothing – emotionless. This, as far as Light was concerned, was no laughing manner. He got the feeling that L was laughing on the inside because damnit, there was no way Light was going to watch L excrete or take a shower. Heavens knows just _how_ L takes a shower. And with his finger habits, how was he even going to even keep hold of a bar of soap anyway?

"Really?" Light couldn't keep the sarcasm from his voice.

"Does it bother you, Light-kun?" L stared at him with those big eyes of his. Again,

"Take a wild guess?" Light replied, counting one to ten slowly in his head and continuing his business before zipping up his pants.

"I understand how Light-kun might feel. But I've already told you the reason for this." L lifted his cuffed wrist.

"I understand, Ryuuzaki." Light mumbled quietly before heading to the sink lined on one side of the lavatory and started washing his hands. He took his sweet time washing his hands. "It seems that you are enjoying this."

"I'm only doing what is necessary." L said.

Light really, really wanted to kick his head senseless. "Can't you find a longer cuff? I know you're doing what is necessary. But I appreciate my privacy especially when in the bathroom, Ryuuzaki."

L blinked quietly then rubbed his chin, eyes looking up at the ceiling. "I understand. It is only necessary that Light-kun remain healthy. Of course, I shall mention to Watari to get me longer cuffs as soon as possible."

_That's it!_ Light splashed a good amount of water at L and made sure that his front was all wet. "Oh sorry. My hand slipped there." Without another word, Light turned the tap off and began walking down the hall. L had no choice but to follow but Light saw how L had a very slight frown on his lips. How bad does one's jeans look when wet when said person just came out of the lavatory?

As usual, L said nothing, but Light was smirking.

Matsuda had wordlessly pushed the box of tissues towards L while Light continued tapping keys in to the computer in search for more information. Light did not miss the slight coloring of L's cheeks at Matsuda's discrete action.

XXX

In the end, Light was only human.

After pulling on an all-nighter the entire previous evening and not eating much due to the fact that he avoided lavatories, sinks or toilet seats like a plague, he was ready to tear his hair out. Last thing he wanted to do was come to a point where the use of toilet seats was unavoidable. So the next best solution was to avoid eating much.

Thirty two hours after that incident in the men's lavatory, Light was more than ready to eat the monitor in front of him. He was also more than ready to just pick a spot under the table, curl up and sleep. It was taking sheer will power to keep his eyes open and glued to the documents in front of him. His father had long ago gone home to get some rest and warm food. How Light envied his father. What would he do just to have some of his mother's meals? Light couldn't stop the sigh from escaping his lips. The more he tried to stare at the document in front of him, the more it resembled Mc Donalds' menu list.

_If I'm starting to see criminal autopsy reports as burger menus off Mc Donalds, then that definitely isn't right._ Light brought a hand up to cover a yawn and tried looking at the typed out report in front of him. It was no good; he was reading the components of a quarter-pounder. L was looking at him again. _Crap_.

"Want some, Light-kun?" L was offering his newly poured cup of warm hot chocolate.

"I don't think my father has covered my dental insurance, Ryuuzaki. We're a pretty normal average family. So no thanks." Light replied, definitely cranky. Why wouldn't he be? What human avoided toilet seats like it wanted to swallow them? What human would stay sane in Light's shoes anyway? "Besides, I don't like dentists."

"I didn't put sugar yet." L said, blinking his big eyes. Light just had to frown a bit. How does L ever keep a straight face was beyond human understanding. It was no wonder Ryuk found him amusing. Then again, if one were a bored reaper, anything can be amusing.

"No thanks. I'm fine." Light said looking back down at the paper. _What would I do for a box of nuggets? Oh yeah, kick Ryuuzaki. _

Light was only human.

So one hour and half later, Light was slumped against the open reports, dead to the world.

L merely watched him sleep with his chin on his lap before moving to carry Light to the bedroom. Watari would drop off a spare laptop later along with anything L might need.

TBC

Uhm … yeah.

Whaddya think?


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Death Note. Never will.

Warning: Extreme OOCness.

**The Toilet Cubicle Talk**

Light's brows knitted together in frustration in his sleep till he was forced to open his eyes and acknowledge the fact that yes, he needed to use the toilet. Like everything was normal, he sat up immediately and made a lurch for the floor, until he felt the metal cuff on his wrist dig in to his flesh. It was too late because he hasn't gone one step away from the bed before he fell first, his arm held up because of the cuffs.

_If I break my nose, I'm going to kill him!_

"Light-kun? Are you all alright?" L peered from the top of the bed. "That's a rather nasty fall. Bad dream?"

Light was not in his most polite manner. He fell off the bed, is chained to a sweet-lunatic, and he really needed the bathroom. "No. Now get up! I need the bathroom!"

"Of course." L said and was immediately on his feet and in his usual slouching posture.

Light made a beeline for the bathroom and more out of habit closed the door behind him. When he heard a tiny gasp behind him, he forgot that L was right behind him. He left the door, tugging the chain because his bladder was going to pop soon. When he felt the chain loosen a bit, he stepped closer towards the toilet seat, lifted the lid and relieved his bladder. He couldn't stop the sigh of relief from releasing the stress he put his bladder through.

L was quiet as usual, even after Light flushed the toilet and replaced the lid. When Light washed his hands, L said nothing, even when Light could feel his gaze boring through the back of his skull.

_If he says one word, just one word, I'm going to punch his nose in! I hope he busted his toe by the door. He deserves it!_

Light turned to face L, eyes straying towards L's left foot, in which he was attempting to curl his toes in. L noticed the slight red tint on his large toe.

_Oh. So he did bust his toe. Oh good._

"You need to use the toilet?" Light asked; more out of habit rather than politeness. His mother raised him with good manners after all.

L coughed a bit. "Would you mind?"

"I wouldn't want you to soil the bed sheets." Light said casually. He couldn't stop the smirk from crawling to his lips when he noticed L's cheeks colors.

"No. That would be rather uncomfortable and unhygienic." L said, turning to face the toilet seat.

"Yes. Precisely." Light said, smirk growing wider.

Out of politeness, Light looked away while L did his business. A part of his head was urging him to look and look he did. He felt his eyes nearly pop out of his sockets. _Good gracious! Is that why he's always wearing lose pants?_

L felt the stare and turned to find Light's wide eyes on his anatomy. "Light-kun?"

Light blinked and looked away. "Sorry."

"No, it's all right. We are both male."

Light felt his cheeks heat up. "Yes. Nothing different here." _Except size. How the hell did he get that big? All he eats is sweets!_

"No. Nothing at all."

Light had to look at L then, because the tint of amusement in his voice grated his nerves. "Yeah. Nothing."

"Absolutely."

"Totally." Light countered, his brow twitching.

"Completely."

"Entirely."

L blinked. "Entirely."

Light could feel the veins in his head explode. "Are you done?"

"Yes." L turned to tuck himself back in. "Am I embarrassing you, Light-kun?"

"No. Why would you?" Light gave a shrug.

"You seem to have a permanent blush on your cheeks. I noticed it's been there since the moment you woke up." L offered casually and headed for the sink to wash his hands after flushing the toilet.

Light could feel the twitch in his brow again. "This is embarrassing. I am not used to this kind of invasion."

"I haven't touched you, Light-kun."

_Oh you didn't need to. Just being around you is more than enough, you freak!_ "If you did, I wouldn't have let you go without hitting you."

"I'm sorry Light-kun. But I believe you can't best me in combat."

Light start to stew in his temper while waiting for L to finish soaping his hands. "Oh?" _You foolish son of a –_

"Yes. I am, while not entirely better posture-wise, way bigger than you."

"You're featherweight! Take a good look in the mirror!" Light pointed at the mirror.

"If Light-kun doesn't like what I'm saying, I will not force my opinion upon you." L said, massaging his hands and making more soap bubbles.

"Whatever!" _I so can beat you ten times over blind folded!_ "Are you done yet?"

"Almost." L replied, pumping more soap in to his hands and rubbing them clean.

Light sighed and turned to study the bathroom tiles. He didn't know how long he's been staring at the patterns but when he looked up again a few minuets later, L was still soaping his hands.

"Are you done?" Light asked again, trying to sound neutral but he ended up sounding like he grounded the words through his teeth.

"Rinsing." L said, turning the tap on and rinsing his hands _slowly_.

_What kind of idiot – oh never mind. This is Ryuuzaki. L. Freak. Whatever. _

Light tugged the towel from the shelf and tossed it beside L for him to dry his hands while he stifled his yawn. He was starting to count the wall tiles when L set the towel down, folded in a neat rectangle and shifted his feet.

"Done."

_Finally!_ "Right." Light mumbled, and headed for the door.

This time, Light didn't shut the door behind him. Truth be told, he felt just a _wee_ bit sorry for L's stubbed toe. He knew how it felt to bump one's toe in to a solid object without one's intention. It happened many times to him; while rushing to school, while searching for something frantically in his room that he didn't see the leg of his desk or when Sayu would chase him around the house, bugging him for something or the other.

Stubbing one's toe kills. It hurt like a bitch and Light absolutely _hated_ it whenever it happened to him. He knew for one thing that he closed doors with force. So he wouldn't be surprised if L sported a dead nail in his stubbed toe.

Light slipped in to bed quietly, facing the opposite side, his back to L. He felt the mattress dip with L's weight sinking in to the space beside him. A soft rustling of the blankets followed by silence indicated that L was lying down and was still.

"Your toe." Light grumbled, feeling an apology at the tip of his tongue. It was starting to piss him off that his mother's good upbringing decided to act up now. _Why now of all times? And because of his damn stubbed toe of all things! I'm happy he stubbed his toe! _

L shifted a bit. "Yes, Light-kun?"

Light swallowed the sigh he wanted to release. "Your toe. How is it?"

"It's fine, Light-kun."

Light twitched. "You stubbed it earlier."

"No, I did not."

"I shut the door earlier. I forgot you were behind me."

"It's no big deal, Light-kun."

_I'm trying to bloody apologize here, damnit!_

Light kept quiet for a long moment and he actually thought he fell asleep. It annoyed him that L rarely responded to 'important' things like these. He was a snoopy, annoying, insecure hunchback. Why can't he understand that Light was trying to apologize? Why can't he just, for once, not be such a wise ass?

"I'm sorry about earlier."

"Light-kun, I said –"

"I didn't really mean to close the door. I myself hate it when I stub my toe." Light continued, and when L didn't say anything, he kept talking. "Look, this thing that's keeping us together, it's really bothering me. Try to understand."

"I do understand. That's why I said it doesn't matter. This is all for the case."

"Right. The case." _That bloody case. _

"I don't take it personally, Light-kun. I can understand your frustration. And you have nothing to apologize about."

Light blinked slowly, digesting what L said. It was a comforting thought that L understood his feelings and reactions to everything. Light felt like a spoiled brat. He's normally good and polite unless he's pissed off. But hearing what L said somehow made it all the more obligatory for him to apologize.

And for many things.

"Let me see your toe."

"You don't need to."

Light sat up and pushed the covers aside and made a grab for L's feet to study the inflammation. It looked bad and upon seeing the bluing nail, Light felt just a wee bit horrible than pleased.

"You need to ice this."

"Are you concerned for me, Light-kun?"

Light paused and let go of L's feet to lie back down. "Is it wrong?"

"Thank you."

"I did kill you nail."

L let out an amused chuckle. "It's a nail. Not a bullet in the head, or heart or however Kira kills his victims."

_Right. It's always the case. Even when we're off duty, the case has to be a part of – damnit!_ "Can we not talk about the case?"

"Of course."

"Thanks."

Light shut his eyes and kept quiet for a while before he asked again. "Look, can we do something about this chain?"

"What do you have in mind?" L asked, shifting in bed to face Light's back.

Light sucked in a breath and turned to face L. "I'm not saying all the time. At least while in the bathroom. At least only then. You said you understood." L blinked. "I would like some privacy when I'm using the toilet seat." Light said flatly.

"The toilet seat." L repeated.

"Toilet seat."

"Then you don't mind the cubicle? But you mind the seat?" L asked.

Light felt a vein throb. "I mind both. I'd appreciate the privacy. When in the bathroom. Just the bathroom. That's not too much to ask is it?"

"If that's what you want, Light-kun, then I'll give it to you."

Light found himself staring in to L's dark eyes, illuminated by the light from out the window. _They're kinda' cute. Like Sayu's stuffed toys. _"You'd do that?"

"That's what you want, right?"

Light hesitated. "Yeah."

The corner of L's lip curved up a bit in to a small shy smile, his hand moving to pull the covers up Light's body, like he was tucking him in. "Go to sleep."

Light could feel the blush on his cheeks spread like wild fire all over his face and neck. "Yeah." He turned to face the ceiling, mind spinning, the blush deepening. L turned his back to Light, so as to give him some sort of privacy.

Light lifted a hand to cover his face. He couldn't get rid of the rather cute doll-eyes he stared at a few seconds ago. He wanted to stare at them again. They were lovely eyes, very deep and magnetic.

Light bit the inside of his cheek in realization.

_Bugger. You have **got**__to be kidding me!_

FIN

I am very aware that they are complete OC. For a moment, I had no clue how to continue this. It's part of the reason why I took so long in updating.

No need to tell me that its OOC. I know Light would never be like the Light up there. But it works for this story and I just wanted to finish it. I'm rather pleased actually.

In the end, it was Light who fell for L. Waii!

Thanks to all my readers. You people make me happy!


End file.
